I guess that maybe it’s time I start documenting the emotional abuse that drives me closer to killing myself every day.
Today started out just fine. Woke up at 5 and couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up, cleaned a little, made some coffee and watched way too much TikTok. Lauren got up and things seemed to be going well. Miles was asleep in our bed and Lauren got ready for work early but never told me that’s what she was doing. She came in to leave and told me that he was awake. So the baby that can crawl and roll over was in our queen bed. I’d asked her to bring him in here because I was afraid he’d fall off since she was just in there. “Shawn I’m trying to get to work!” So the yelling started completely unprompted.
I went to get him and came back in the living room and she was frantic. Had no idea where her keys with the office key were, no idea where her debit card is and proceeds to tell me I said things I didn’t to get her mad. Didn’t get a “I love you” or “Bye” or anything. Even after trying to help find everything by dumping out the diaper bag and looking in cushions I just got told it’d already been done. Not so much as a “thanks for trying to help.” I even spent 30 minutes at Walmart yesterday trying to see if they may have found her debit card.
Then she leaves and I start getting these texts. She sends me this car yesterday, starts looking more at the model and tells me it’s not worth it. That we’re taking too long to get Kiki’s driving test done. That I’m treating her badly because I said I’d tell the guy we wouldn’t take it. Then tells me no, it’s my decision. I was pretty sure that gaslighting was an actual myth. The more I write this stuff down and screenshot texts, the more I believe it.
So here I am. At home with the baby trying to work while my frantic wife tells me that I’m clearly not understanding or doing anything right at all while trying to work and take care of this family. Just… what the hell do I do? We’re in therapy. We’re both doing it on our own now too. This shit still happens. It’s so emasculating that I don’t even want to do the things sexually she asked for after she cheated on me.
I can’t wait for her to be gone this weekend. I hope she relapses and I hope her whole family sees the things I have to deal with.