This is not a letter to make anyone feel bad. It is not meant to put blame on anyone. It is simple a view into my head and why things didn’t work out.
Every day there’s a reminder that I’ve never really succeed at anything in life. My wife loathes me, my child won’t talk to me, the business that I put so many years into figuring it out just cost me more than it ever produced and I now have a job I had to take out of necessity still micromanages me after two years.
I’m so exhausted. My weekends are not even safe from the drama and constant reminders. Every single day I just bury myself in Miles trying to remember that I have a chance to be the father I wish I had been with the girls. But at the end of every day there’s nothing else. Kiki and Kelsey did at least grow up with a strong moral compass and Kiki might even still want to be around after she leave home but Kelsey can’t even be bothered to call or reply to a simple text.
Constantly I feel like I have to apologize for doing anything. Like I only exist to make sure that everyone else’s life is okay. If anything happened to my shit job today I have no doubt that tomorrow my wife would be so upset and concerned that I’d never be able to focus on finding something else. Speaking of which, really doesn’t help that I’ve tried so many times to interview for jobs to come away with nothing, but she had one interview and nailed it. Man I fucking suck.
I have written this so many times in so many different ways and instead of focusing on each person I just want to say to my kids that I love you. I know that it hasn’t always felt like it but you were always my greatest joy. I love you. I miss you. I hope that you have a wonderful life helping others, being kind to anyone you can, and remember that when you choose a partner for life to choose carefully.
Please remember the best of me. The fun times. The caring times. Tell Miles and my grandkids stories.
I want you to know that I did not come to this conclusion lightly. I do not ever want to cause misery or pain. For some I think this will even be a sigh of relief. There are just so many things that I feel I can never rectify. That will never have closure. I just need peace. Clarity. To know that once it is done there will be no more pain I can cause. No more worrying what I did or didn’t do. Just that the things in my head will finally stop and that my last thought will be “peace at last”.