I got home a lot earlier than I normally do because work was done at 4:30. The second I got home I could smell it. It was very clear she was not ready for me to be home.
She followed me to the bedroom where I asked very quietly if she’d had a drink. She actually told me yes. That she’d planned on telling me just thought she had more time. This was quickly followed by excuses. “I just need to test the waters” was the big one.
I really don’t know how I managed to stay calm through the conversation. I feel like a small piece of my side finally got through. She’s asked for understanding that she just wants to be able to drink so she doesn’t miss out on things. That she’s not in the same mindset she used to be in. I told her that I’m not judging the drinking. It’s my experiences with drink Lauren that never gets enough. The fights. The times I’ve had to hold her back from getting physical with me. The lies, delusions, the safety of the kids.
Hours later I even still caught her lying to me about where the can was. It’s really amazing how much these things can make you question your own choices in life. I just want to love her and to be free of this.